Vicky Christina Barcelona Shows that the Spanish Inquisition was a Good Thing

The only reason why Woody Allen makes a movie every year is to remind everyone that he is still alive. Frankly, looking at the dreadful products he’s put out this millennium, we could do without the reminder. Better yet, we could do to aim a machine gun at Woody’s head and unload a few rounds. Unfortunately, Allen’s latest sets out to prove not only that his heart is still beating, but that his penis is similarly in working condition. While this is far more information than anybody other than his daughter wife needs to know, Vicky Christina Barcelona boils down to Woody Allen convincing Scarlet Johansson to prance around in skimpy outfits and make out with Javier Bardem, Penelope Cruz, and, at times, both. While all straight men owe a debt of gratitude to Allen for the chance to see Cruz and Johansson go at it, it is not worth sitting through this awful, pointless film just to experience the momentary glory.

"Do you think Woody will realize that I don't speak English?"

Are we, honestly, supposed to care about the love problems of young, beautiful, wealthy women spending their summer in Barcelona? Does anyone think this could make for a gripping, moving, or, at the very least, watchable film? Packed with dumb and useless narration, Woody Allen has stopped trying to be clever, witty, or relevant, and Vicky Christina Barcelona is proof of that. Worse, he has centered his last crumbs of creativity around Scarlet Johansson, who has in her acting repertoire one facial expression and one tone of voice to accompany one fantastic rack. When you have terrible dialogue, I guess the best strategy is to only hire actors without a modicum of talent who are only known for their looks, but all it means is that Woody Allen, still searching for a place where people don’t think he’s a gross pedophile, has found a new location to make his shitty movies.