I’d Rather get Struck by Lightning than Watch Tropic Thunder

Recently, I wrote a review of The Pineapple Express, in which I expressed the opinion that no person on Earth is as intensely stupid, unfunny, and offensive to humanity as Judd Apatow. I must apologize for my hyperbole, and thank Ben Stiller for proving me wrong. Tropic Thunder is so detestable on every level that I wouldn’t be surprised if it was revealed to be the cause of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Featuring the most disgusting, atrocious characters ever put on screen, you will spend much of Tropic Thunder hoping that one or more of the people on screen chokes to death on their own idiocy. I get it, it’s supposed to be satire, but does anybody really care about the emotional problems of fake celebrities? This movie has the emotional depth of an issue of The National Enquirer, but instead of glancing at it for two seconds in the grocery store, you are being forced to watch every mind numbing minute of the excruciating two hours.

Never has a movie found the idea of black people more hilarious.

Ben Stiller has never been funny, his particular brand of humor making Rob Schneider look like Aristophanes, so it is astonishing that he is still allowed to breathe, let alone make movies. The various characters in his latest opus manage to be offensive black people, white people, Asian people, war veterans, and the mentally handicapped, proving that it takes almost no brain capacity to realize how terrible this movie is. Stiller whines and shouts, Jack Black screeches and runs around naked, and Mathew McConaughey fills me with the urge to carve all of the skin off his face to remove his smarmy grin. Essentially, it’s just them doing what they always do, which nobody wants to see anymore. Add that to a nonsensical plot and series of irritating supporting characters, and you get a movie that makes me think longingly of days when I’ve vomited all over myself. No amount of vomit could stink as badly as Tropic Thunder does.