There have never been such monumentally irritating and hateable characters ever to grace a screen as those that fill every minute of the supremely obnoxious Hellboy 2: The Golden Army. Director Guillermo del Toro still hasn’t come down from the hard on he got during Pan’s Labyrinth, and believes that his jizz is magic. Hellboy 2 is loaded with del Toro jizz but is utterly lacking in likeable characters, a compelling plot, or actors that don’t suck. This movie is the special effects equivalent of a cum shot on your face: yeah, it sounds cool, but actually it’s really unpleasant and you want it to be over as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, you can’t wipe Hellboy 2 away with a t-shirt, but God I wanted to try.
Hellboy uses giant guns to compensate for his... shortcomings
Ron Perlman is that jock you always hated in high school and now thinks he’s hot shit as a used-car salesman, but he’s just an alcoholic asshole with a beer gut. Why would you want to root for him in a movie? This movie might be tolerable if it took its title literally, and was two hours of Ron Perlman being tortured and set on fire. Selma Blair is clearly only good at making out with girls on screen, and any time she’s asked to actually act, she makes me vomit all over myself. If she were hot enough to be in porn this wouldn’t be a problem, but right now she’s just wasting oxygen. Hellboy 2 is overloaded with moronic villains battling even stupider heroes; if these characters were any dumber they’d spend the entire movie walking into walls and buying lottery tickets. But nothing compares to the villain’s sister, who, although they don’t mention it, I’m pretty sure is supposed to be retarded, as that is the only way this movie makes sense. Guillermo del Toro clearly hates women, babies, and humanity in general, or why else would he make this atrocious crap. When he dies, he will go to hell, and he will be forced to watch Showgirls on repeat for his crimes against humanity.
Posted by Tom Houseman 